I'd Do It For My Country

I must say that I am TOUCHED. Several dozens of thousands of MY FANS have made it clear to me that I should put my HAT IN THE RING and apply to be the next press secretary for our Commander AND Chief, George W. Bush. And while I know that I would kick MAJOR ASS during all confrontations with LIBELOUS LEFTY SWILL MERCHANTS, I must say that I wasn't super stoked about the whole idea after reading the first couple dozens of thousands of emails and letters that came pouring in. It took several more dozens of thousands of emails and letters to finally convince me that I needed to do this for MY COUNTRY.

So I have decided to nominate myself for the position. I'm sure my fans will mobalize and create a MASSIVE PETITION. I will offer you three ROCK HARD SOLID reasons why I am the most qualified candidate for the position.


#3
I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE LEFTISTS AND OTHER LIBERAL PEACE-NICKS/POT HEADS

It's so easy to debate the Looney Libs in the Liberal Media because they never have their own plan. Who is HELLEN THOMAS to criticize our Commander AND Chief while TROOPS ARE ON THE GROUND, and at the same time not even have her own plan? Americans just don't respect that. David Gregory can start asking tough questions the day he passes his own Medicare plan. Does he think it's easy? It's HARD WORK.

#2
LOONEY LEFTOCRATS IN THE PRESS LOVE FRENCH NEW WAVE FILM

Though it was HARD, it's probably good that I finally came out. After a long day of KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES at the podium, I'll be able to gain favor again through regular FREE screenings in the White House theater. I've been debating whether to go chronological starting with the films that influenced the young Turks - - -Early Hitchcock, American Westerns, Renoir, Hawkes, etc - - - followed by the mid/late-50's precursors - - - Elevator to the Gallows, And God Created Woman, Les Mistons - - - and then onto the main course on a year by year basis. The alternative would be to go director by director - - - Godard, Truffaut, Chabrol, Rivette (If you haven't seen "Celine and Julie Go Boating," run don't walk), Rohmer, Varda, Marker, Resnais, and more. This series of screenings would extend WELL BEYOND the time period that is considered the French New Wave, so I suppose "Directors Who Were A Part Of The French New Wave" would be the best title for the screening series.

#1
I'M EXTREMELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS WHOLE PLAME BUSINESS

My groundbreaking report SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

Mailbag

The MAIN REASON I haven't been shoe-polish reporting very often is because I underwent a LIFESTYLE CHANGE THAT I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT. But I will talk about it because I AM ALWAYS HONEST WITH MY FANS/READERS. But only a little because IT WAS ONLY A PHASE AND I AM BACK TO NORMAL.



So that's THAT. Now here are a few of the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of letters/emails I get HOURLY. (I changed the names to PROTECT THE INNOCENT.)

Dear Jeff,

I don't get you. You obviously have phenomenal talent and reportage skills, but yet you give us so little of it. I'm sure I speak for at least five hundred to eight hundred thousand other fans when I say that you should stop being so selfish and share your gift.

Best Regards,
Melanie Hightower

SETTLE DOWN MELANIE. SETTLE. Name's not Jeff, by the way.

Like I ALREADY EXPLAINED in GREAT DETAIL, it was just a phase. I could have LIED and said that I had in fact been SHOE POLISH REPORTING THE WHOLE TIME, but in a POOR PLACE where I couldn't log into blogger EVER. Actually, this leads into the second question:

Dear Not Jeff Gannon,

Did you say something about MOVING TO HARLEM? What's that all about?

Sincerely,
Tad Burlington

Indeed I did, Tad. And LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH, I say what I mean and mean what I say; so even before my phase, I was under the impression that I wouldn't be able to blog because I was moving to Harlem. Even though the Time Warner lady told me that they could get the internet into my apartment, I wasn't going to believe that until I saw it because SHE DIDN'T SOUND ANYTHING LIKE ME OR PRESIDENT BUSH.

However, there are THREE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HARLEM:

1) Some streets remind me of the Cosby Show, which is my favorite show other than 90210.



2) LOTS OF CHURCHES



3)The A Train

NOTJEFF,

Could you please come out of retirement and let us know if you've got any hot tips regarding this whole Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face nonsense?

Thank you,
Cookie Gundersen

As someone who has ACTUALLY HANDLED THE VICE-PRESIDENT'S GUN, I believe I am UNIQUELY qualified to be the foremost authority on ALL OPINIONS REGARDING THIS MATTER.

First of all, the vice president is a trained and certified NAVY SEAL. Wanna know how I know? BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO CERTIFIED HIM. And I'll tell you one other thing: DICK MADE THAT TEST LOOK LIKE AN EFFIN CAKE-WALK.

So when you hear any sort of talk about this being Our Vice-President's fault, DON'T BELIEVE IT. The Dick I know could SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE (THE PUPIL) from across the room WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. George Burns must have done something stupid and therefore DEFINITELY DESERVED IT.

Jeff,

Tell us what's in your iPod these days.

All The Best,
Peter Pittsburger

My favorite playlist at the moment is called "Jeff's Mix" and contains the following songs in the FOLLOWING ORDER:

Mushaboom by Feist
My Own Face Inside The Trees by The Clientele
New Hampshire by Matt Pond PA
Thiings Have Changed by Bob Dylan
All Hands On Hano Street by The Stairs
Get Him Back by Fiona Apple
Golden Age Of Radio by Josh Ritter
A Time For Emily by The Elected
The Bounce by Jay-Z
How A Resurrection Really Feels by The Hold Steady
Be by Common
Sun Machine by Percy Hill
Dancing In The Streets by The Grateful Dead (5/8/77)
Driving Sideways by Aimee Mann
Don't Panic by Coldplay
Like Eating Glass by Bloc Party
Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen
It Ain't Hard To Tell by Nas
Over And Over Again (Lost & Found) by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
All The Umbrellas In London by The Magnetic Fields

If you don't love EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THAT LIST than you are DUMB.

Mailbag Coming Soon . . .

I've gotten all your mail. I UNDERSTAND YOU ALL MISS ME. Please think of me as the HALEY'S COMIT of SHOE-POLISH REPORTING.

You've got a few more hours to get your comments/questions/tips/compliments in before I post my HUGELY POPULAR semi-regular feature.

That's NOT The Duke I Know

This summer I shoe-polish reported the story of CGI Bob Novak, a creation of the INCREASINGLY DANGEROUS MOB OF LA LUNATICS. Well, the LOONEY LEFTIST LIBERAL ELITES of WACKOWOOD are at it again.

According to several HONEST AND RIGHTWARD THINKING key grips and best boys I probed in a trailer on the set, today's TOTALLY FICTIONAL PRESS CONFERENCE was in fact written by Sam Seder, a LIFETIME SHOWBIZ LOONEY ACTIVIST, and directed by both Warren Beatty and MEATHEAD BUNKER, LEFTY LOVERS who plan to get married and run against MY GOVERNOR ARNOLD together.

The CGI DUKE (who didn't even LOOK like my pal Duke) was created by KANYE WEST, a RAGING LEFTIST musician. (I believe he's a trumpet player.) Joshua Micah Marshall, a LEFTIST LOONHERDER since 2000, has extensive CGI experience and was brought in to fine tune the look of the PHONEY TEARS that appear in Act 3.

I just have time to pass that along. I'm in the process of moving to HARLEM (Sugar Hill, to be exact) for the foreseeable future. Once I get settled in, I'll be able to get back to work on my HOT TIP. Don't worry, it's coming soon.

I've Got A Hot Tip That Just Won't Quit

But a GOOD HOT TIP is only the starting point for an EXPERIENCED SHOE POLISH REPORTER. It's time to DO SOME PROBING. Stay tuned . . .

I Am NOT "Official A"

Based on my GROUNDBREAKING SHOE POLISH REPORTAGE, I'm sure most of you assume that I am this mysterious "Official A" named in PATRICKY FITZLOONEYTOONLIBERAL'S indictment. And even though I know EVERYTHING about this case, I am NOT "OFFICIAL A."

But this indictment is CRAZY. It's like he's trying to CRIMINALIZE APPLE PIE. What's next, an indictment for BREATHING!!!



ANYWAY, my guess is that justice will eventually be served. Joe Wilson and his DESKJOCKEY CIA SECRETARY WIFE will go to jail for their plot to construct their own personal LIBERAL A-BOMB.

I Have Some Information That Could Clear This All Up

Harriet, Sweet Harriet

WACKY LIBERALS EVERYWHERE are trashing sweet, sweet Hariet Meyers and I'm getting SICK OF IT. Number one, she's friggin SWEET AS HELL. B) She KNOWS PRESIDENT BUSH REALLY GOOD! C)She went to LAW SCHOOL.

But most importantly, I know some stuff THAT YOU DON'T about HARRIET MYERS. TRUST ME. She's going to KICK SOME EFFING ASS at the SUPREME COURTHOUSE because she is so GODDAMN SWEET.